Blame my introversion, or maybe it’s just Candace Candace-ing, but analyzing the kinks in code, copy, and content doesn’t end for me when the clock strikes five. I like to think about what I think about. I like to excavate my belief system to extract the stories that influence my day-to-day. The stories I can’t fully remember. The stories that aren’t true.
Lately, I’ve picked up on a few repeating behaviors of self-sabotage. Although on paper I have every reason to believe I am safe and secure, my actions suggest that I am wholly invested in the idea that I am not worth a life free of discomfort. My spending habits, chosen relationship dynamics, struggle-dieting, and lifestyle choices all support the notion that deep down — maybe not even that deep — I believe I am unworthy of peace and stability.
Let me explain.
Even when I have more than enough to cover my expenses, I spend to the point of exhausting my funds until the next payday. In the past, I allowed myself to be pulled by the allure of traveling long distances for love or choosing unavailable partners. I eat as if I can just buy another body. I entertain distractions. I fail to prioritize fun. My choices seem to always place me back in a state of lack and anxiety, which leads me to believe that for whatever reason, I allowed the belief that I deserve discomfort to attach itself to my psyche.
Today is the day I become untethered to that belief.
Even though I clawed and fought to be at a point in my life where things are really, really good, I find myself engaging in activities and re-engaging energies that keep me off balance or throw me off course. They say a Libra isn’t good at being balanced, just really good at creating balance. Is self-sabotage my way of giving myself a project or something to fix? Sounds like I need a new hobby.
In the same way a newly thin person might struggle to see themselves as anything other than overweight, I am struggling with this new reality of stability and peace. I’m noticing that whenever life begins to feel a little too comfortable or drama-free, I look for ways to trip myself up by throwing rocks on the track. I’m so used to a bumpy ride, that I suppose smooth sailing makes me anxious. Funny, ain’t it?
I’m right on the other side of a series of traumatic events with wounds that still need time to heal. I’ll give myself grace and a bit more time to become acquainted with this new friend of mine called peace. She’s new but she’s growing on me.
I am worthy of a life free from calamity.
I am worthy of financial peace and security.
I am worthy of the love of a healthy, whole partner.
My actions support this reality. My life reflects these truths.
Candace Alike Smith is a Las Vegas-based content creator, womb warrior, and matcha enthusiast. Candace founded this site in 2015 to help women of color reclaim their vitality. Follow Candace’s content on holistic beauty, mental wellness, herbs and essential oils, non-toxic products, healthy libations, wellness travel, and self-reflection. Green is her happy color.
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